Thesis and antithesis
by Bereftsoul
Summary: sougo had lived his whole life believing with certainty parts of his identity, but there is a certain someone out there who would soon challenge those thesis. (okikagu) rated M for mention of adult content (very minor)


Disclaimer : Gintama and all its character belongs to Sorachi Hideaki

Warning : Unbetaed and grammar mistakes.

A/N : Thank you for everyone reviewing my other stories, I love Okikagu so much and I hope you all did too .

**Thesis (noun)**: a statement or theory that is put forward as a premise to be maintained or proved.

**Antithesis (noun)**: (in hegelain philosophy) the negation of the thesis as the second stage in the process of dialectical reasoning.

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**Thesis 1**: **You are an adult way beyond your years.**

But you don't act like you are 18. In fact, you don't act your age since forever. Grown man called you senpai ever since you are 7. You bossed them around, and demanded that they respect you.

You fare better than them despite the inexperience, in fighting, in planning strategy, your swordsmanship. You lead them.

It's a no brainer that you immediately score the title of 1st Division Captain at such a young age. Have you ever really been a kid?

**Antithesis 1**: **She calls you a kid.**

Sure you might look like one due to your angelic face and large eyes. But you are indeed an adult, and you have acted older than 18 for most of your life. You have never really acted your age before.

You didn't plan on challenging her to such a stupid game such as a hammer on helmet jan ken pon.

What is this sudden needy feeling inside you that made you actually want to play?

Not to mention how you became excited at a beetle fighting, when you were thinking of crushing her and watched her beautiful eyes cry. You never had friends your age (to bully) when you were younger.

And then the bomb incident relating to a shady toy factory is another one. You were out there trying to save the chief and the plain shinsengumi spy which had been working undercover there for the past week. It was a dangerous situation, after all. You saw her and told her that kids should back off from such scene. But she said you are also a kid.

Are you?

If not then why are you acting like one?

Every time you saw her your 12 years old self wanted to come out, and she's not even 12 years old anymore. You have to admit, at this rate, she seems older than you.

**Thesis 2**: **You are a selfish person.**

You fault the situation for making you who you are.

You have lost your parents before even knowing them, so you hog all attentions you could get from your lovely sister, and that gorilla which accepted you into his dojo without a second thought.

That's why it irritated you to no end when that long haired slanted eye samurai came in and stole all your thunder.

You tried to kill him, but he is far more skilled than you.

**Antithesis 2: Protector**

You would like to think that you are a selfish man, that you are disconnected from everything, and that everything that you were doing was just a job, and if not for your black and gold uniform you adorned, you are well off becoming a ronin or an assassin.

But she commended you when you went out of your way to stop an underground killing tournament, or that time when you fake allegiance to a traitor to save Kondo in an absence of Hijikata.

Then she knew that you protected her and the princess. Also, she assumes that you also protected the girl in the Rokakku incident. (So you guess you might like to protect girls).

And then you wanted to protect her from falling off a cliff. Sure it was just for revenge since she threw you up the cliff too, but there is something in the way your whole existence rushed to her the moment you recognize her possible falling in that situation.

And the itching in your muscles to want to slice the blue haired Mimawarigumi officer that posed to kill her, even though you knew she didn't really want to.

Still, the reflexes inside you seems to lean towards her side anyway.

And you wanted to protect her and the same blue haired Mimawarigumi officer from the Crows too.

It's almost as if she believed in you, that you are not as selfish as you would like to think of.

It's almost made you felt that, if you had anything left of yourself, you'd to give it to her.

**Thesis 3: You are a killer.**

Killing is easy, you almost didn't even remember you first kill. It was dark and you are still (by all standard, a child).

But your opponent is not even worthy to be called an opponent. Nameless, faceless, rogue bandits more like it.

And they were slow, and ungraceful it only made you almost pity them for trying.

But the empathy never came, you are awashed by something close to excitement. It was a clean cut, the first one, and then second one. Soon, you just stopped counting.

You justified things, sometimes, but it was easier to believe that you are just a killer.

You caught your own reflection one day in a mirror right after executing ronin.

They said you have the eyes of a killer, and you didn't disagree.

**Antithesis 3: You are not a killer.**

You pretended not to remember the girl that accuse you of killing her father. But you do, it was a bloody mess of a situation which burns on the back of your mind like it was just yesterday.

Muneharu Rokkaku was the one who leaked the information about the meeting of few of the Soukaitou terrorist member for some discussion which will take place in the Rokkaku Inn itself.

It was an important mission. The Soukaitou Factions terrorist had planned on a mass havoc through burning of multiple public places in the city to initiate the kidnapping of the Shogun.

They are also already suspected to kill few government officials and police alike.

You needed this to succeed, you have lost few comrades in the span of weeks, and it has to end.

You remembered your shock when your underling cut him down and he bellowed that Rokkaku was trying to kill him.

You had to believe in him, after all, you had lost all the rest of them on that particular night.

Along with the lives of all the factions members.

No one knows this.

But she came to meet you after you dumped the revengeful daughter at their place. And she said those words.

_"I know you are hiding something"_

How the hell would she know?

_"You are far too skilled to make a mistake like that"_

There's a tint in her voice you almost never heard before. Hope? Trust?

Faith?

Isn't it too grand of a word to use on a filthy killer like you?

Isn't it enough reason for you to stain your own bloodied hand in the stead of the pure one?

After all, isn't it your job to do all the dirty jobs?

_"What are you trying to hide by pretending to be a murderer?"_

This confuses you greatly. What's her antithesis? Are you are not a killer?

**Thesis 4 : You are always the smartest one in the room.**

You know how to analyze.

You can read body language of a person accurately, the way their muscle twitch, the flare of their nostril, the dilation of their pupil.

You can see a sword arriving at the end point even before it got there. You've always had this ability it's almost innate.

So you have proved to be very effective in sword fighting.

But in a different matter, you felt like you can hear the intention and conversation inside other people's head.

You know where and when to raid, even when you seems to be slacking off job, you know you are far more effective than the rest of the Shinsengumi.

They spent a lot of time playing cats and mouse, while you laid your cheese in a trap and wait for them to get stuck on their own.

You read situations perfectly.

You read your opponent perfectly. That's why you always win.

You are smart and people know it.

**Antithesis 4: You are an idiot.**

Maybe you are, because you could not figure out how and when it started to happen.

You knew that being a shinsengumi officer, you are more likely to die easier than everyone else.

Your life is always on the line, on the edge of it, even. Hence, to care of other people, or have someone else cared for you, is an unnecessary commitment which only will get in the way of your job.

But those said chance are highly reduced, given that you are stronger than all your enemies.

Now left the question of her mortality rate (her, the one you seems to care about, a little)

You tested her so many times, and she is strong. You know she is stronger than you, but she doesn't show it.

Being a yato, it's a natural instinct for her species to fight, to hunt and to kill.

They are a warrior race, with countless battles on their history, and of various space tribe buying and strengthening their forces with them.

Yet she never killed anyone, she is strong but in a way that a mountain in strong, even when you know she's a volcano.

So you keep her on toes, she has to be strong, after all, so you cannot lose her.

Or lose to her for that matter.

When both of you were defeated against the Crow, it irritated and enraged you.

You have to be stronger, she has to be stronger.

So when you made a pact with her, both of you will become stronger, and to not be defeated by anyone else, you knew the fragility in having this feeling.

You had lost a lot in your life, and she is not going to be one of it.

You don't know why and how it happened.

Of how she inconspicuously crawl into your life. Maybe all the building, tables, chairs, broken during your fights had broken walls between you two.

You won and lost to her in turns, either way, you look forward to your next fight.

Maybe you just like to be in her proximity.

You don't know why.

She is just an idiot. And then she smiled as she beat you down into the water.

She forbids you to meekly said goodbye. You have to be strong and come back to her. Come back to everyone.

You didn't speculate this. Never analyze this.

Her smile, her laugh, her words, her stupid sukonbu breathe, her blinding red hair and red cheongsam, her warm snow skin which quick to flush under the sunlight.

You are not the smartest person anywhere.

You felt something dangerous burning inside your cold heart. Something you never expected, something you never ever think of.

Now she's the one going away and she has to be stronger, and then she has to come back.

You know she just has to.

You are an unsalvageable idiot after all.

**Thesis 5: Lone wolf.**

It's good to be alone when everyone else is stupid. Is what you always thought.

You don't play with any kids your age. They are weak and they cried easily. They were telling you that you are the only one without a mom and a dad.

No one gets you, the world is noisy and you never really understand anything.

The wavelength of everyone around you is unreadable, like a static from radio before it has been set to the right frequency.

The only sound that made any sense is the coughing sound from the next room.

Your sister.

The only voice that will asks you question in worry.

The only sound of love you have ever listened to.

And then it fade away.

The right frequency, you will never hit them again.

It's a defense, it's a mechanism of preservation for your own soul that you wish to be alone.

This family thing, this love thing. It's all just static.

**Antithesis 5: Crowds.**

A moan. A vibrating echo piercing your wounded soul. A red mess, blood.

Arguments, lots of it. Insults and curses, in and out.

Sometimes words. Your name on the tip of her tongue. To be precise, your nickname, and the way she said it.

Her name (nickname) on the tip of your tongue as you silenced her moans with your finger as you went deep inside her.

Your groan as she bit and sucked your finger.

More arguments, more insults and curses.

Words, serious words, scary wonderful words.

Clank of swords, the bang of gunfire, as there were people trying to kill you when it happened.

Sound of blood gushing and few fractured bone and you were scathed and bruised. But you survived all 3 monsters that wanted to kill you. Now there's another monster waiting for you at home, the final boss as you may want to call it. A monster you always got excited to come home to.

Your own quickened heartbeat, you can almost hear your sweat dripping off of you.

A cry piercing your every broken bone.

_"China the baby's hair is brown like mine. Suck on that China you lost." _

Your voice

"_Dammit Sadist look at his eyes its blue like mine, you lost idiot"_

Her voice

Her laughs, and then everyone else's. (And your baby cries. Yours and China's)

None of it are static anymore, not since a long time. Not for anytime now in the future.


End file.
